A Mother's Reflection

It's that time of year again... The time to remember and thank our Mother's for the special women they are and the amazing sacrifices they made for us. To our moms: Thanks for housing us in your wombs for 9 (maybe 10!) months, thanks for sacrificing your toned bodies that are now forever changed with stretch marks. Thanks for spending endless hours in labour or for allowing a surgeon to cut your beloved ab muscles in half. Thanks for the long nights and sometimes tough days. Thanks for the cupboards full of food, the lunches packed, the clothes in the drawers and the smile on your faces each day. And to my mom, thanks for loving me when I didn't love myself. Thanks for believing in me when I wanted to give up. And thanks for not only being my mother but also one of my best friends.

While Mother's Day is usually portrayed by the media as this happy day where Mom's get breakfast in bed, homemade cards and beautiful pasta necklaces (that we will wear with pride), I know for many out there it is a day that comes with many emotions. For me it's a confusing day that I want to celebrate but also reminds me of the pieces in my life that are missing. I have 2 beautiful daughters that I love and cherish but in my heart I feel a bit of failure as a Mother in some ways...

For some becoming a Mother was the easiest transition - maybe a little too easy. This was the way it was for me with Sommer. All of a sudden we were pregnant! No planning, no figure out cycles, just one day I was pregnant. And I took that for granted. I didn't think of those around me who were struggling to get pregnant or had lost babies. I thought I was blessed with the gift of easy fertility - boy was I naive! And for some women, bless their hearts, they have this great blessing. And if you are one of those people please remember what it is - a blessing from God! Celebrate it, thank God for it but also remember that it is not that way for everyone.

For some people Mother's Day is a day they don't know if they are allowed to celebrate. Yes, they have been pregnant but they aren't holding that precious baby in their arms. They are trusting in the Lord that they will hold that small child one day for eternity. I personally know this feeling and the pain and guilt that comes with loosing a pregnancy. For me the word miscarried is a painful word and the word itself brings feelings of guilt - did I really "miscarry" that baby? Did I do something wrong? Did I cause this to happen? I feel disappointed in my body and feel like a failure as a Mother. One of the main things God created and designed women to do I can not do well. I have problems carrying a baby. But if you are one of these women you should be celebrated. You are a Mother and you are a good Mother. God just has a different route for you in motherhood - you are forever a mother and one day you will meet your babies. Until then Jesus is taking good care of them in heaven.

And for others they long to be a Mother and have spent thousands of dollars trying to make this happen. These women should be honoured for their dedication, patience and perseverance. For me we tried for almost 2 years to get pregnant the second time. Those days were some of the most trying days ever - each month a wave of disappointment and failure come with the reminder you are not pregnant. It is like loosing a baby each month - your hopes and dreams come cashing down month after month when you are slapped in the face with the reality that it didn't work. You question your ability to do what God designed us to do. You question why God isn't giving you the desires of your heart. I know this painfulness to well as once again I am on this journey. If you are trying to get pregnant - celebrate Mother's day. You are a mother - you are just waiting for that blessing to arrive. You will be rewarded for your dedication and perseverance and He will grant you the desires of your heart.

This spring we have had 3 failed fertility treatments. Last week I found out the 3rd one didn't take and I have decided to take a break from treatments. I can't handle the pain and the hurt that comes each month, my heart needs a break. Seeing pictures of pregnant friends on facebook and seeing their beautiful stories is really hard on me right now. It is the big green monster of jealousy - and I pray that monster will leave so I can rejoice with them. I need to take some time and focus on the 2 beautiful girls that God has given me and thank Him each day for his endless blessings. I will put my energy into being the best Mommy these girls can have. My heart has some holes in it - 3 babies in heaven and a large hole that is waiting to be filled by my future child. I just need my heart to heal a bit because I am not a failure as a Mother - I am a good mom. I just need God's guidance as I'm walking the path He has planned for me.

So this Mother's Day please remember all those on different paths of motherhood. Those who have grey hairs from raising children, those young mom's trying to find balance in their lives, those who are pregnant, those who have precious babies in heaven and those who are on the road to motherhood. May we celebrate each path and walk along side these women with support and love - showering them in our prayers.

Seeing through to God

For Christmas my parents got me this book, "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. My mom said I would like it so of course one night I started reading it before bed and the first chapter jumped out at me. Caught me off guard and screamed "THIS MAKES SENSE!" But first let me back up a bit and share a little of what has been happening in my life...

In January 2012 I was excited to find out I was pregnant again. Although my little B was just 12 months old I was excited. That joy of new beginnings, where your mind instantly starts picking out names and wondering if it's a boy or girl. You immediately start planning the next 9 months, nursery bedding, rocking chairs... your mind starts running with ideas you never knew were in the dark corners of your thoughts. But I had been down this road before, twice actually, only to end up with disappointment a few weeks later when everything comes crumbling down and you are left with a body that is just you. No baby. Just you and an empty longing womb.

So I tried to curb my excitement and think realistically. So far in the game of babies I was 2/2. 2 beautiful daughters running in my home on earth and 2 never met babies in my heavenly home waiting in the arms of Jesus. This time my early weeks were filled with Dr appointments, blood tests, hormone supplements, everything to keep this baby growing and thriving inside of me. Each day was a sigh of relief when I would wake up with no signs or symptoms - one more day. We had made it one more day. At 6 weeks we had an early ultrasound and I will never forget the heartbeat that was present. That beautiful little flicker on the screen. The sign of life. And again, I breathed a sigh of relief. One more day. I had made it one more day. Throughout the first 3 months I worried, prayed, begged that everything would be okay. And each day I woke up fine and feeling great.

At our 12 week (3 month) ultrasound there was an active beautiful baby on the screen. Already it was stubborn and wouldn't cooperate for measurements and I sat there happy to be watching the baby move and wiggle inside my growing belly. Life was inside me. A baby, a beautiful precious baby. A sister or brother to the girls at home. "Everything looks great!" says the lady doing the ultrasound. Again I sighed with relief. The danger zone was over and everything looked great! I had made it! We told the girls about the baby - Sommer being very excited and Britton not understanding anything was going to change.

Everything went well and over the next 3 weeks my belly got bigger and at 14 weeks I had butterflies in my tummy. Nothing major, no kicks or punches, just little flutters I could feel when I sat down at work or laid down for bed. Just little reminders of life inside me. Then one morning at 15 weeks I started spotting. Assuring myself that everything was fine and normal I tried to calm myself down. Google reassured me that this happens in many pregnancies and it turns out to be nothing at all. Yes, that's what was happening to me. Normal spotting that would stop in a few hours. But it didn't and by the next morning I knew I should call my Dr.

I headed to the ER where a Dr got me in to a trauma room and brought in a portable ultrasound machine. Scanning it over my belly she says, "And there is your baby." I ask if she can see a heartbeat. "Yes, I think so... I think it's right there... I think it is beating... I think it's okay. But let's get you over to the ultrasound place and make sure everything is good." I tell myself that everything is fine. After all, she is a Dr and saw the heartbeat. But inside my heart I knew it wasn't going to be okay. Just that sickening feeling that something is wrong. That mothers instinct that haunts you and warns you to be prepared for the worst case scenario.

After laying on the table in the ultrasound room with the technicians that are paid to have poker faces and speak in medical code I knew the end had come. The phrases they used were medical and unfriendly. No words like "baby, perfect, beautiful, heartbeat." Words that make your stomach flip flop and your mind go numb. Oh those technicians have a hard job but at the time I saw them as hard hearted people who had the information I was searching for and wouldn't share it. Just tell me if my baby is okay? I don't want to wait for a Dr to come and see me. I want to go home.

A few minutes later that Dr who thought she saw the heartbeat came in with that look of pity on her face. "I am sorry. There was no heartbeat" she says to me. Numb I nod my head and squeak out the words, "What happened? Everything had been fine?" "I think it was just shitty luck" she says. Excuse me? Did you just say shitty luck? Those were not the words I wanted to hear... those are words that don't offer any help, any solutions going forward, any reasoning. I just want to go home to where my girls are, where my bed is. I want a shower. I want my baby. They are explaining how my baby is too developed to pass on my own, yet not developed enough to hold and cuddle and deliver in L&D. It must be removed from me by a surgical procedure the next day... I nod my head and lean back on the bed and cry. I tell James we won't have more kids. My heart can't handle anymore disappointment and heartbreak. I can't keep doing this.

As hard as all this was to hear I kept thinking one thing over and over in my "You give and take away. You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name." Where did those words come from? How could I possible have peace about this? How could I loose my baby but sing praises to a God who allows stuff like this to happen to people. But I did. I said it over and over again - "You give and take away. You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name." Deep down I knew God was there. I have a strong faith but honestly I surprised even myself how in my darkest time I threw myself at the feet of Jesus and said I trust you. I will praise your name.

It has been in my darkest times that I have grown the most in my relationship with God. It is times when some people would turn away, yell at God that he doesn't care or love us, and start doing life without Him, that I ran to Him and learned so much. There was the time after Sommer was born that we lost our first baby after trying a year to get pregnant. While at first I thought God was playing a mean joke on me I soon realized that God is faithful. I needed to keep trusting in him. And 6 months later we were pregnant with Britton. A long almost 2 years of trying for a baby but I learned so much in that time! There was the time when I was told I was pregnant in November 2011 but it didn't look viable and I lost the pregnancy soon after. And finally the devastating time when I lost the precious baby that I carried for nearly 4 months. All these times it would be easy to turn away mad but I didn't. I couldn't. I asked God to carry me through and show Himself to me and teach me something.

And that's where this book One Thousands Gifts hit me. You are introduced to Ann's story of watching her sister die in the yard at her house after being run over by a delivery truck at age 3. You meet her brother in law who has buried 2 infant sons from a genetic disease. But Ann writes this in the first chapter:

"With memories of gravestones, of combing fingers through tangled hair, I wonder too... if the rent in the canvas of our life backdrop, the losses that puncture our world, our own emptiness, might actually become places to see. 

To see through to God. 

That that which tears open our souls, those holes that splatter our sight, may actually become the thin, open places to see through the mess of this place to the heart-aching beauty beyond. To Him. To the God whom we endlessly crave." 

I love it. I believe it. People have asked my how I have such a good outlook on these hard times I have been through. How I can hold other people's newborn babies, throw baby showers and be excited for them. And now I can tell them that for me it has been through the losses that punctured my world that have allowed me to see through to God. For that I am thankful. I will not wish those losses, emptiness and hardships on anyone. I don't want to go through them again myself. But in those dark times I saw God. He taught me so much. And He brought me through safely.


Thanks for reading this long, random and maybe confusing post. Maybe it made no sense. Maybe you have some insight and if so, please share.

Update!

Oh the work that has happened the last week. I am truly exhausted and anxious for our lives to return to normal. When we moved in I don't think we realized how many little things were still not done. I think we were in survival mode although we knew there would be things to be finished. The main thing that needs to be finished (besides the vacuum being set up, the tv's being hung, the satellite being ordered, the deck being completed, the siding being done, the dog run being finished...) is the interior stone work. The fireplace and the hearth (which spans the entire living room), 2 pillars in the Kitchen and 2 at the front door all need stone on them. On Monday the Mason's (stone trades) came to start. They did a scratch coat on the fireplace, hearth and 1 pillar. They set up scaffolding in the middle of my living room and then left. The next day they came and scratch coated the other pillars and left. And I haven't seen them since... and the scaffolding is still set up. Now, I am a patient person with the construction side of things. I am usually the one reassuring my clients that a trade will be back soon but I am going crazy. Funny how it is when the tables are turned. I really just want to get my house in order and get the main floor livable. It has so much dust and dirt and things are not in the proper place. I am starting to get annoyed.

The second floor is pretty much finished and unpacked. The girls rooms are done and the curtains are all hung. Sommer and Britton's rooms turned out perfectly! Can not wait to post some pictures!! Britton is still waking up a few times in the night and I am starting to see why a small house is nice... the walk to her room is quite far in this big house!! By the time I get to her room she has already rolled over and is trying to sit up. Usually makes for a middle of the night nursing session to get her back to sleep. Oh, if only she would sleep through the night!!!

Britton had her 7 month immunizations yesterday. She was a real trooper :) She is getting very big now and weighs in at 17.66 lbs!! I have to check but I think she has now passed what Sommer was at 7 months. Crazy to believe that my little 5 pounder has gained so much weight and is doing so well! I couldn't have asked for anything better but I really do miss my little baby!! Britton also learned to crawl last week so things are getting interesting! She scrunches up like a little inch worm and can really book it across the room! I will try and take some video of it! Sommer didn't learn to crawl until around the end of 7 months and I can remember how excited I was for it! Now I just think, "oh no! Here we go again!!"

Well I should head to bed here before my little angel wakes up any minute. Oh to have a full nights sleep again.... what was that like!?!?

Moving Day!

A lot of work has gone on the last month. Hard to believe today is moving day! WOW! I have dreamed of this day for over 2 years and I honestly can't believe it is here. The house is beautiful and more than I ever imagined it to be. All the planning, research, design ideas and time spent browsing design apps really paid off. Now to put my "pinterest" browsing to good use! The movers are currently packing up the old house and soon we will be off to move into our new house. Ah, it will be so nice when everything is set up and we can enjoy the space. Come and visit any time!!

Blessings From Above

If you followed me on my previous blog (Southern Belle) then you followed our fertility story. It was a long 2 years trying to conceive and I was blessed by so many of you praying and sending words of encouragement throughout the journey. I look back now and I can't imagine what life would be like without Britton - she is so perfect! Since I never posted about her on my old blog here is a little update on the cutie pie.

Britton was born early since she/I had intrauterine growth restriction (IUGR). After 10 ultrasounds and 4 stress tests she was born at 5 lbs 5 oz and was the smallest baby I had ever seen. At 32 weeks I was given a steroid shot, since the assumed she would be born early, which helped Britton's lungs develop more quickly. I am so thankful that she was able to be born naturally and came out strong and healthy, never having to make the trip to the NICU. Britton lost weight and was under 5 lbs for the first week of her life. At 1 week she came back up to 5 lbs .5 oz and has been growing steadily ever since. She is still small but almost caught up to where an average baby her age is on the charts.

I have to admit that even though she is "perfect" she is a little stinker in one area - she is a total Mommy's girl. It's bad - real bad. She can be with her dad for short periods of time but heaven forbid he try to put her to sleep.... that in her mind is Mommy's job. Since Britton is nursing it has always been my job to put her to sleep. Yes, I am a Mom who nurses and cuddles her baby to sleep - get over it - I waited too long for her to not do this. This is our special time where she snuggles in, relaxes and falls asleep in my arms. And honestly, I love it. I usually rock her in the rocking chair for 10 mins after she passes out in my arms. I love looking at her and thanking God for such an amazing blessing.

Britton is an amazingly easy baby. If I was going to every have twins I should have got twins like Britton. She is extremely happy, a great sleeper, and she only cries for 2 reasons - she is hungry or she is tired. Honestly, those are the only times she is unhappy. At 6 months I can still swaddle her up in public and she will fall asleep no problem. I thought Miss Sommer was an easy baby but boy was I wrong. Sommer was the typical baby everyone tells you about when you are pregnant - "she will cry and some nights you will see every hour on the clock..." Not with Britton, and I am thankful! If our next baby (yes, I said next baby - we want more!) is this easy we might see the 4 kids we have always talked about.

Britton is a miracle and truly a gift from God. I am proud to be her Mommy!

The good old home office...

traditional home office design by san francisco architect Rossington Architecture

In all our houses we have built, we have never built one with a designated home office. Many people have commented on our new house and said, "But you have no office?" and they are right! We did that on purpose!

For many people a home office is a place of organization. A place for bills, projects, computers, and all those papers that you just aren't sure what to do with. But for those who use the home office for their job it can become a trap, a time eater, and a place you spend more time than you should. For us, being business owners, we have decided that we don't need a home office as it can be too tempting to hide in there instead of spending quality time as a family.

The picture above is from my favorite design website, Houzz, and it got my thinking about what is really important for an "organization centre". That is why in at the acreage I created a, as I like to call it, "pocket office". We got the main floor layout for the acreage from a show home we visited in Calgary which was being built by Thomson Luxury Living and they had this beautiful wine cellar off the kitchen. (Take a look at their beautiful homes - such amazing detail! You can see the house we based our main floor off of in the photo gallery) I hate wine so I had no need for a wine cellar but what would I put in that space? After looking at many website and design books I fell in love with the pocket office. Just enough space for a desk/workspace, some cabinets, and a chair. PERFECT!

There are many ways to add an office space (or as I like to call it "organization centre") in your home! You just need to be creative! For example, take a closet not being used and turn it into your organization space. Add some fabric cork boards, fun storage units, a splash of colour and you have yourself a great space! A home office doesn't need to be a whole room, just enough space to get the job done!

For us we don't want the office tempting us to focus on work instead of family. It is just one more thing that can get in the way of creating an atmosphere of love in your home. If you have a home office in your house I encourage you to be wise in the time you spend in it and don't let it become a time eater or a trap. Remember that your family will appreciate it when you leave your job at the office and give 100% to making your family time important.

In This Home

IN THIS HOME....

This is a project I am going to work on. I am trying to once again discover (or flat out find?) my crafty side! My friend, Alexandra, from Alexandra's Joys, has encouraged me to find this long forgotten past time. With a new home and little girls in the home there is no better time to start crafting!

I love the idea of a family mission statement - a declaration of what your family stands for. I think this idea could be like a mission statement. I would love for everyone that comes into our home to see what we believe and how we want to treat others.

Are you on pinterest yet? I am addicted!! I love looking for new decor ideas and getting my creative juices flowing! Sign up and start pinning!